#BuildALadder Out Of Social Anxiety By Vlogging

My goal is to share my writer's life with my readers and to help me work through my insecurities, in particular my social anxiety, which has gotten in the way of Life. This is not an easy thing for me to admit. Even now I'm looking at the delete button and coming up with reasons why I shouldn't go forward with this post. Who would want to read or watch something like this? But then I remember that the reason I am even finding the courage to type these words is because of people whom I admire and who have shared their stories of anxiety, depression, etc.

The above quote was taken from my What Am I Going to Blog (And Vlog) About post. When I wrote those words, I had this video in mind as it was initially supposed to be the first video I posted on my Youtube channel. Fear of being so open about how I felt convinced me that it was best to hold off on this video. And frankly, I'm glad I did because at that point I don't think I was mentally prepared to publicly post something so personal. 

But then I found myself thinking, "Do I really need to post this video?" I asked myself what it was that was motivating me to delete it? Immediately the answer came to me: fear. I found myself trying to rationalize that fear so I could delete the video

Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. 

It would be so easy to delete this video, to pretend that what I expressed was transitory. But it isn't, and, if I deleted this video, I would not be building a ladder but destroying it. 

And I want to #buildaladder. 

I want to not be afraid to speak up. 

I want to meet new people and not run away. 

I want to have confidence in the people around me. 

I want to have confidence in myself. 

I want to live my life. 

The #buildaladder movement was started by Martina over at Eat Your Kimchi. Her videos are very powerful and, if you have time to only watch one video, watch hers. Her candidness along with bookstagram accounts like @thereaderswardrobe have given me the strength to move forward.

I apologize in advance for the awkwardness in my video. And for the repeated blinding lens flares. I was VERY cold and the sun felt incredibly nice at my back ^^; Or maybe I was just trying to blend in with the new Star Trek cast.


I look forward to the day that I can look back at my video and say to my past self that I have added rungs to my ladder. That I am no longer afraid to use my voice, or to just be myself.


Timoittazceh (nos vemos/see you).



Latinx author and publisher E.M. Markoff writes about damaged heroes and imperfect villains. Works include The Deadbringr, To Nurture & Kill, and "Leaving the #9." Under her imprint Tomes & Coffee Press, she published Tales for the Camp Fire, a charity anthology to raise money for California wildfire recovery and relief efforts. She is a member of the Horror Writers Association and is mostly made up of coffee, cat hair, and whiskey.