Day 44 of Sheltering in Place in San Francisco: I Don't Want "Normal," I Want Better
It's day 44 of "sheltering in place" in San Francisco. I hope everyone is keeping safe as best they can <3 The shelter-in-place order for the Bay Area has officially been extended to the end of May with some restrictions slowly being lifted starting May 4. I've been thinking about how I keep wishing life would go back to the way it was “before.” But then I remind myself that the way things were before is the reason that so many are without any form of safety net right now and are struggling to survive …
It's day 44 of "sheltering in place" in San Francisco. I hope everyone is keeping safe as best they can <3 The shelter-in-place order for the Bay Area has officially been extended to the end of May with some restrictions slowly being lifted starting May 4. I've been thinking about how I keep wishing life would go back to the way it was “before.” But then I remind myself that the way things were before is the reason that so many are without any form of safety net right now and are struggling to survive.
“Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.” | San Francisco street art
Despite the convention season being canceled and the loss of income that entails for me, I am in a fortunate position because I can still work from home, and the hub's job was thankfully not affected (for now, fingers crossed). But if his job had been cut, we would be screwed and insurance would be lost. I'm not the healthiest of people: I have chronic asthma, I've had three myomectomies, and I've had a nephrectomy to remove stage 2 renal cancer. I finished writing The Deadbringer while recovering and went on to write more stories and am currently working on a sequel because I had insurance that allowed me to be diagnosed and treated. If not, the cancer would have metastasized. Many were not so fortunate before COVID-19 and many more are not so fortunate now.
The other thing that has been on my mind is how immigrant workers are now considered "essential" whereas “before” they were deemed so inhuman that their children were taken and herded into camps. And even now, immigrant meatpacking workers are being forced to return to work in places like Iowa with threats of losing their unemployment insurance, despite huge outbreaks in those facilities. So no, I don't want things to return to normal, I want things to be better. I believe things can get better.
Stay safe and healthy, everyone <3
EMM
Originally posted on my Instagram @tomesandcoffee 4/29/2020. Minor edits were made to the text for the post.
San Francisco street art
Masks for Covid-19: Where to Donate in the Bay Area & Resources on How to Make Your Own Homemade Masks
It’s day 31 of “sheltering in place” in San Francisco. Dear reader, I hope wherever you are in the world that you and yours are staying safe and healthy. For those of us who can stay home let’s keep trying to do our best to help #flattenthecurve and keep our essential workers—healthcare workers, grocery workers, delivery workers, immigrant workers—safe.
4/21/20 Edit: San Francisco peeps! Beginning April 22, 2020 masks will be required to cover your face when shopping, taking transit, seeking healthcare, among other activities. The rule went into effect 4/17, but will not be enforced until 4/22. Masks with one-way exhalation valves do not comply with the order’s requirements. Despite protecting the wearer, droplets can escape from the mask’s valve and put those around you at risk.
Welcome back! It’s day 31 of “sheltering in place” in San Francisco. Dear reader, I hope wherever you are in the world that you and yours are staying safe and healthy. For those of us who can stay home let’s keep trying to do our best to help #flattenthecurve and keep our essential workers—healthcare workers, grocery workers, delivery workers, immigrant workers—safe. Let’s also do our best for those who can’t afford to stay home. Everyone has a role to play; we’re in this together.
To that end, I’ve put together some links on how to make your own homemade non-medical masks and where to donate them as well as much needed PPE supplies. A caveat before I continue: I am not a medical professional, and information with respect to COVID-19 is still unfolding. Please do your own research as staying informed helps dispel harmful misinformation.
I know it’s not easy taking in the latest news about COVID-19, or how people are being racist, or how so many have lost their jobs or are facing eviction from their homes, and not have it negatively affect your mental health. The rage, depression, anxiety, fear, guilt that assails me when I read the news can leave me feeling rather bleak and set a dark mood for the rest of the day. To help keep my days productive, I’ve started leaving the news for the evening and talk the events through with the hub so I’m not alone with my thoughts. It isn’t foolproof, but being able to verbally vent has helped my mental health. I’m also learning to be kinder to myself on days I do fall apart, because sometimes falling apart is what it takes to get back up.
Where to Donate PPE & Homemade Masks
If you decide to make your own masks with the intention of donating:
First check to see where masks might be needed in your area
Contact the location to see how they want the mask sown as the facility may favor a pattern or construction (2-ply versus 3-ply)
The grassroots collective website Make Masks helps you identify which areas in your state need homemade masks and how many are being requested. There is also Mask Match whose aim is to “send your masks to healthcare workers without leaving your house.” Per their website as of the date of this post, Mask Match accepts medical grade filtration masks, all surgical masks, and homemade masks. They even have a handy G-doc guide for best practices for sewing and links to other homemade mask resources.
For San Francisco and the surrounding Bay Area, many hospitals are also accepting donations and list on their website which supplies they are and aren’t accepting and where to drop them off. Some of the hospitals accepting supplies include:
In Berkeley, Councilwoman Rashi Kesarwani has a site where to donate PPE
This KQED article, updated 4/13, has an extensive list of hospitals accepting donations. They even have a useful “Map View” that allows you to see at a glance where you can donate supplies in the Bay Area.
If you prefer not to drop off supplies at a hospital, this article on Hoodline lists local businesses (and even the Oakland Public Library) that are accepting masks with the intention of donating them to the hospitals.
4/21 Edit: Masks with a one-way exhalation valves are not recommended as they do not block the transmission of COVID-19. They protect the wearer, but not the people around you, thus putting them at risk.
How to Make Your Own Mask
For those of you talented with needle and thread, this video by Angela Clayton takes you step-by-step on how to sew your own mask. Here’s a different link for those who prefer to read their instructions (scroll down to the bottom of the post for the instructions).
For those of us who can’t sew, myself included, here is a video by Asia Jackson showing you step-by-step how to transform a piece of cloth or bandana into a DIY face mask. Here’s a different link for those who prefer to read their instructions.
I hope this post was helpful in some way. Stay safe and healthy everyone <333
Until next we meet,
EMM
Happy 30th Anniversary Twin Peaks! Or, My Non-English Speaking Mom's Love of Surrealism
Lately I've been thinking a lot about why my mom enjoyed classic horror and surreal films/TV despite not knowing English. Some of the things she introduced me to included The Twilight Zone--although, she was terrified of Rod Serling because she once dreamt his head was speared onto an antler--Hammer Horror films, the Roger Corman Edgar Allan Poe adaptions, Universal Monsters …
Hello!
It's day 23 of "sheltering in place" in San Francisco. With all the shit that had been going on, it was nice to escape for a bit into a world that has most definitely inspired me: Twin Peaks. Thank you @kyle_maclachlan and @madchenamick!! ☕️🥧Today's the 30th anniversary of the show and David Lynch is one of my favorite directors. Surrealism is a valid way to explore realism, and I feel that Twin Peaks did just that.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about why my mom enjoyed classic horror and surreal films/TV despite not knowing English. Some of the things she introduced me to included The Twilight Zone—although, she was terrified of Rod Serling because she once dreamt his head was speared onto an antler—Hammer Horror films, the Roger Corman Edgar Allan Poe adaptions, Universal Monsters, Dark Shadows (1991 version), and more. Since the hub and I have been on a bit of a classic movies kick, I've come to the conclusion that despite the language barrier, she was able to enjoy these films because they relied on more than dialogue. They relied heavily on body language and atmosphere, facial expressions that clearly conveyed the moment, and sets or imagery that allowed her to truly be a part of that world without needing to understand a single word. And Twin Peaks was one of those such shows. Are you a Twin Peaks or a David Lynch fan? <3
And now for a bookish excerpt:
🎣Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness, and Creativity by David Lynch🎣
"I love going into another world, and I love mysteries. So I don't really like to know very much ahead of time. I like the feeling of discovery. I think that's one of the great things about continuing a story: that you can go in, and go deeper and deeper and deeper. You begin to feel the mystery, and things start coming.”
Definitely the way I'm feeling about The Faceless God 💙✍️
Let's all do our best to look out for one another. Stay safe and healthy, everyone🌻
Originally posted on my Instagram @tomesandcoffee 4/8/2020. Minor edits were made to the text for the post. Videos and external links were added.
Mexica New Year 2020: The Year of Chicyei (8) Tecpatl (Flint)
Mexica New Year is nearly here, and I will FINALLY be able to attend the celebrations in San Jose, CA! Unfortunately, the past two new years (Chicoace Tochtli/6 Rabbit and Chicome Acatl/7 Reed), FogCON have fallen on the same weekend as the celebrations …
3/11/2020 NOTE: Mexica New Year in San Jose has been canceled to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus. Read the official organizer statement.
Photo Credit | https://www.aztecadancers.com/
Mexica New Year is nearly here, and I will FINALLY be able to attend the celebrations in San Jose, CA! Unfortunately, the past two new years (Chicoace Tochtli/6 Rabbit and Chicome Acatl/7 Reed), FogCON has fallen on the same weekend as the celebrations. Calpulli Tonalehqueh’s celebrations are held in San Jose while FogCON is in Walnut Creek … not an easy trek. Also, did I mention I got sick just in time for last year’s FogCON?
Thankfully, because I live in a city with a strong Latinx culture that is proud of its indigenous roots and celebrates it to the fullest, I was able to attend Mexica New Year 7-Acatl in San Francisco. I am talking about the Mission, of course. Sadly, because of ongoing gentrification, communities of color and local shops are being pushed out of the neighborhood and city.
“Latin culture is part of San Francisco culture,” says [Silvia Ferrusquia]. “When we go, the Mission is not the Mission anymore. If everyone goes, it’s just one more city in the whole U.S. — and it’s boring. Who cares about San Francisco if it’s not San Francisco?”
Photo Credit | https://bit.ly/2wqs5KZ
Not only did I attend, but I was fortunate enough to help set up the altar alongside so many others. I learned a lot that day. These spaces and celebrations exist in San Francisco because of the Latinx community. Without them, there would not be a 13th Annual Mexica New Year in San Francisco.
I’m looking forward to celebrating 8-Tecpatl in San Francisco on March 11 and in San Jose on March 14-15 💙
3rd Annual Tales of Horror at the San Mateo Public Library
This Wednesday, 10/2, at 7pm-8:30pm, I will be at the 3rd Annual Tales of Horror at the San Mateo Public Library. I had quite a lovely time at the 2nd Annual Tales of Horror …
This Wednesday, 10/2, at 7pm-8:30pm, I will be at the 3rd Annual Tales of Horror at the San Mateo Public Library. I had quite a lovely time at the 2nd Annual Tales of Horror and am looking forward to reading to the public once again! Last year’s event was a lot of fun with authors dressing up in costumes and reading excerpts from their books. I’m hoping to dress up again this year, but lately the Kleenex box has been my best friend. Maybe I can be a catrina with a head cold. lnstead of a crown of roses in my hair, maybe I should consider a crown of tissues, lol!
I’ll have a limited number of copies of “Leaving the #9,” The Deadbringer, and To Nurture & Kill on hand for sale. And since you’ll be buying direct from me, all purchases will include a free limited edition Ellderet bookmark (while supplies last). If you’re one of my Newsletter of the Cursed subscribers, you know all about the trials and tribulations behind these bookmarks. If you’re not subscribed, please consider becoming one of The Damned. The Faceless God will most certainly be getting its own limited edition bookmark, and I would like to ask my newsletter subscribers to help me choose the design.
The Damned strike a pose
Authors from left to right: Loren Rhoads, Mercy Hollow, EM Markoff, Emerian Rich
So yeah, if you’re looking for a night of spooky stories read by costumed authors dressed to impress, then the 3rd Annual Tales of Horror is for you! Many thanks to the San Mateo Public Library for hosting the event (#supportlocallibraries) and to HorrorAddicts.net for organizing.
The following authors will also be reading at the event: Emerian Rich, Jonathan Fortin, J. Malcolm Stewart, Trinity Adler, Loren Rhoads, Laurel Anne Hill, Ben Monroe, R.L. Merrill, Mercy Hollow, and Sumiko Saulson.
2019 Upcoming Events:
10/2/19: Tales of Horror | San Mateo Library | San Mateo, CA | Free | Reading
10/11/19: Stephen Chbosky with E.M. Markoff | Kepler’s Literary Foundation | Menlo Park, CA | 7:30pm - 9pm | Buy tickets
10/19/19: Lit Crawl | Dalva | San Francisco, CA | Free | Reading
#Writerslife 2018 Year In Review
Happy New Year 2019, everyone! “Que salga lo viejo y entra lo nuevo,” or “Out with old, in with the new.” I welcomed 2018 with those words, and with a pot of water tossed out the front door. I met many wonderful authors and artists in 2018 …
Happy New Year 2019, everyone!
“Que salga lo viejo y entra lo nuevo,” or “Out with the old, in with the new.” I welcomed 2018 with those words, and with a pot of water tossed out the front door. I met many wonderful authors and artists in 2018.
Here’s my #writerslife 2018 year in review. If you want to get the full story behind the pictures, click on the image and hover over them. For mobile: tap the small white dot on the bottom right of your screen to enable the text.
Worldcon 76: The Personal Responsibility Of Being On A Panel That Addresses Imposter Syndrome & Mental Health
At Worldcon 76, I was fortunate to be a speaker on a panel addressing imposter syndrome. The panel was excellently moderated and touched on a number of points that people with imposter syndrome can use to move forward. Some of the techniques discussed to help "make it to the end credits" included using writing as a cathartic release, viewing your insecurities as monsters that you can conquer, #buildaladder by adding rungs - no matter how small - to help you climb out of your darkness, learn to say "thank you" and to accept praise, or to reward yourself with something positive, like "cake".
Welcome to my "Worldcon 76" series, where I'll be breaking down my time at the world's longest-running science fiction and fantasy convention.
Caveat: I am not a medical professional. What I'm going to talk about reflects my personal experiences and observations.
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At Worldcon 76, I was fortunate to be a speaker on a panel addressing imposter syndrome. Here's the description of the panel:
IMPOSTER SYNDROME: YOU DO DESERVE TO BE HERE
Imposter syndrome can often feel like being a side character in a horror movie: you know the monster is gonna get you, but you don't know when. Many authors--from just starting out to long-time pros--experience imposter syndrome, especially people who are marginalized. We wonder if we "really" belong; we wonder if everyone else knows we're faking-it-til-making-it; but when will someone call our bluff? Imposter syndrome is common and we can continue our work despite the doubts. So, how do we deal with it? What techniques do you employ to make it to the end credits?
The panel was excellently moderated and touched on a number of points that people with imposter syndrome can use to move forward. Some of the techniques discussed to help "make it to the end credits" included using writing as a cathartic release, viewing your insecurities as monsters that you can conquer, #buildaladder by adding rungs - no matter how small - to help you climb out of your darkness, learn to say "thank you" and to accept praise, or to reward yourself with something positive, like "cake".
Another great bit of advice related to how one can approach writing their own biography. Singing your own praises can be hard, and it can sometimes lead to a downward spiral of depression as you question each accomplishment and wonder if it was a fluke. So instead, try pretending that you are writing about someone else. Sounds pretty straightforward and obvious, but imposter syndrome is many things but logical.
However, there were also some negative comments made about imposter syndrome and mental health that came up during the panel that I called out and which I'd like to respond at more length. Before I continue, I ask that you please look over the panel description once more. To me, I feel like the description is not worded in a way to suggest an academic mental exercise of what imposter syndrome is; rather, it described a safe space where people can go to realize that they are not alone and that they DO indeed belong.
Yes, I realize that a panel is not a support group, but to me, it is inappropriate to dismiss the very real suffering of mental health by telling callous anecdotes, even if you mean well. You're not helping. On the contrary, you very well may be making things worse. So here are a few points that I think people need to keep in mind when discussing sensitive topics relating to mental health.
Do not assume that if someone FAILS TO seek treatment it means They enjoy feeling that way
In America's awful system, people don't have a right to healthcare. And even when you do have healthcare, it can sometimes take weeks to see a doctor and the "out-of-pocket cost for care is often too high for this to be a realistic option for most consumers." That brings me to my next point: Privilege. Not everyone can afford to pick up the bill for whatever costs the insurance decides not to pay, or to buy their medication without the very real risk of not having enough money for tomorrow. This is not the fault of the individual; this is the fault of a system that deems that in order to receive healthcare you must be able to pay for it and then some. The bottom line is that everyone needs to remember that not all people "have equal care to treatment and service."
Everyone experiences mental health differently
Just because you were able to "get over it" does not excuse you from telling someone suffering from mental health to "get over it" as well. I've got mad respect for you if you managed to come out on top and never look back, but in your journey to become that stronger you, do not erase or superimpose your experiences on others. It can do more harm than good because there is not a "one-size-fits-all cure" for mental health. The best way to help is to be supportive and to know your own limits as the person giving the support.
Do not mistake support with Attention seeking
I'll give a personal example. As the clock ticked closer to panel time, I started to question if I had the right to be a speaker. Ironic, really, but not surprising, though I had hoped I would be able to at least keep from being paralyzed. Nope. Sometimes I can pull myself out of these moments, sometimes I can't. That afternoon was a huge "can't," so I turned to my support: the hub.
The hub could have easily told me I was overreacting (because I started to cry) and that everything would be fine and to just get over it, but he didn't. He chose to be that support, to be empathetic, and that empathy is what kept me from caving in.
Do Not generalize mental health with jerks
The heart of the issue that came up during the panel was the question of when does support become extortion. It's a very valid question, but not one that should be answered with the broad generalization that anyone not seeking professional help is just an attention seeker. That type of response is not helpful and can feed the negative stigma associated with mental health.
My response: Do not confuse toxic friendships and relationships with someone suffering from mental illness. I know this is easier said than done, but I really feel like this piece by Miss Misery breaks down the difference between someone just needing extra support and jerks:
The dilemma, in my mind, boils down to this: when you’re ill, the minimum amount of help you need may be more than the maximum amount your loved ones can give. Are you a jerk for asking for that help?
I think the answer to these questions is definitely no, it doesn’t make you a jerk just to ask for extra sympathy and attention where your mental illness is concerned. However, to avoid being inconsiderate or thoughtless, one key condition must be met: you must make an honest and genuine effort to minimize how much you take from your caregivers. A sick person demands patience; a sick person who’s also a jerk demands unnecessary patience. For example, someone who has been conditioned that their caregivers will get them anything they want and abuses that privilege is probably behaving like a jerk.
The key concept that separates jerks from the truly needy, then, is lack of consideration for the person in the support role. For example, when a mentally unsteady person frequently needs to talk to a family member about their problems, they’re just doing what they have to in order to survive. That doesn’t make them a jerk; it’s just an unfortunate circumstance wherein someone has to suffer.
Being someone's support, or caregiver, is not a glamorous job. There's a reason I have thanked my hub in my books as the person who "spends time with me in the abyss." If you struggle with understanding the difference between actual jerks and someone just needing extra support in order to survive, then please go read Miss Misery's post: "People With Mental Illness Are Jerks."
Do not contribute to the negative stigma of mental health
A public platform, like a panel at a convention, is a powerful tool to help bring awareness and is not the place to be dismissive or make broad generalizations about mental health. Panelists should not be judgmental and should instead demonstrate understanding and awareness of people's suffering.
This post was supposed to have gone out on Monday, but I found myself struggling with finishing it because, well, imposter syndrome. Blogging, vlogging, and being on a panel (in particular a panel about imposter syndrome) are rungs I have added to my ladder and have helped me own my own voice so I can publicly speak about my struggles. But my dread at writing this piece was also a reminder of why I needed to finish writing it. I'm going to end this post with an open plea, not just to Worldcon but to anyone who attends any convention:
Dear convention-goers and panelists, if you do not feel anything for the topic being discussed (especially one pertaining to mental health) or do not feel you can contribute in an empathetic way, then PLEASE recuse yourself from the panel and let someone else - someone who can contribute positively to the discourse and help dispel stigma - take your place. Thank you.
Sincerely,
E.M. Markoff
Btw, in case you're wondering why I went with pictures of The Assistant to supplement this post, it's because he also plays a very supportive role in my mental health =^_^=
Game of Thrones Artist John Picacio Brings Mexican Representation to WorldCon 76 Through Scholarship Fund
The Mexicanx Initiative was a scholarship fund started by artist John Picacio to bring more Mexicanx representation in science fiction and fantasy to Worldcon 76. The scholarship was awarded to 50 people of Mexican ancestry and, let me tell you, those 50 people made a HUGE impact. The Mexicanx Initiative made Worldcon 76 a powerful experience for me because I got to see myself represented on those panels, in those stories, in the language, the idioms, the anger at the injustices of deportation, criminalization, forced separation and herding of children from their parents, and so much more.
Welcome to my "Worldcon 76" series, where I'll be breaking down my time at the world's longest-running science fiction and fantasy convention.
The Mexicanx Initiative was a scholarship fund started by artist John Picacio to bring more Mexicanx representation in science fiction and fantasy to Worldcon 76. The scholarship was awarded to 50 people of Mexican ancestry and, let me tell you, those 50 people made a HUGE impact.
When I first realized this was a thing, I got both ridiculously excited and worried that the experience would be watered down. Considering who started this initiative, I should have known better than to think watering down would be allowed!
The Mexicanx Initiative made Worldcon 76 a powerful experience for me because I got to see myself represented on those panels, in those stories, in the language, the idioms, the anger at the injustices of deportation, criminalization, forced separation and herding of children from their parents, and so much more. An entire reading and some panels were done solely in Spanish - 100% en español. This might not seem like a big deal, but it is. Just look up the #ownvoices and #weneedmorediversebooks hashtags. I hope this kind of inclusion of other languages and cultures is the beginning of what future Worldcons and other conventions in the genre can be and, frankly, should have been a long time ago.
The American narrative is not everyone's experience.
When Rose Lemberg (yes, I know they are not Mexican, but they are badass) said this, I had to literally restrain myself from jumping out of my seat and cheering "Thank you!!!" This is not an exaggeration. Having been raised by an immigrant mother meant that my experiences growing up did not follow the "American Narrative," and many customs I grew up with are different from those experienced by most people brought up as "American." On New Year's, to name just one example of something that most kids in America don't grow up doing, we would toss a pot of water out the front door at midnight and say "Que salga lo viejo y entra lo nuevo," or "Out with old, in with the new." I have a lot to say about the American Narrative, but that's for another post. Thankfully, FLAMA exists to share my frustration via hilariously on-point sketches.
Often, not being part of the American Narrative has made it difficult for me to connect with people. Now let me be clear: this is not my mother's fault for not "Americanizing" me enough; it is the fault of a society that idealizes and demands that everyone follow a single narrative.
The term "magical realism" is othering
The use of the term "magical realism" has always bothered me, though I could never eloquently pinpoint exactly why. The Mexicanx Initiative panels helped clear this up for me - it's because the term is othering. Let me explain what I mean.
First, from a personal perspective, it is trivializing to declare that elements of my culture are "magic." The customs that I grew up with - whether Día de los Muertos, or warnings about brujería, or carrying an ojo de venado for protection - are part of who I am. Yes, intellectually, I know that these things are based in supernatural beliefs, but slapping the term "magic" on them dismisses them as silly stories, superstitions, a mere ethnic trope.
Second: "You're Mexican, so you must write magical realism, right?" This was an actual question that a reader perusing my artist's alley booth asked me at a convention last year. Yes, I know some argue that magical realism actually has more literary worth than so-called "genre" fantasy, but for me, a female Latinx author who wants to write fantasy novels and be accepted by that community, it hurts to be told what I have to write. And anyway, if so many of the conventions of "traditional" fantasy are themselves derived from European myths and folk tales (just look at Tolkien), why do stories with supernatural elements derived from Mexicanx culture get consigned to magical realism?
Borders divide families and are bullshit. However, borders do exist that keep people safe.
And no I'm not referring to the border dividing Mexico and the United States. That border is bullshit and ICE and CBP can go fuck themselves. I'm referring to the borders within the United States keeping the government from taking away more of what belongs to indigenous peoples. This very important distinction was made by a POC audience member. In my opinion, I don't think this discussion would have had a home at Worldcon had the panel that gave it a platform not come to pass. That panel was "Transgressing Borders."
Secondary worlds are a valid way of exploring one's culture
Hearing this from someone who is not from your culture is not the same as hearing it from someone who is. The latter holds power. As someone who incorporates my culture into the secondary world of the Ellderet, this meant a lot to me.
It's arrogant to assume that the base language spoken in SF/F stories is English just because the books are written in English.
Bravo! Enough said.
An inkling of other things I learned: that the distinction between "hard" and "soft" science fiction isn't a thing in Mexico; that Mexico's sf/f world is alive with a large number of novel ideas because many authors don't feel the need to limit themselves to what's popular; that YA is just beginning to really take off in Mexico; that some editors are negative on using character names sourced from languages that English-speaking audiences might find difficult to pronounce; and that I am not alone in my bilingual language experiences. I already knew this last one, but seeing it reflected on a panel at a convention dedicated to a genre I love - a genre that lacked representation when I was growing up - meant the world to me.
Panel after panel, as I sat in the crowd listening to the speakers, I couldn't help but look around at the other people and then back at the stage and think, "That's me."
"Ahí estoy yo."
Desde lo más profundo de mi corazón, gracias a todos que hicieron posible The Mexicanx Initiative.
Moderating Your First Fantasy or Horror Panel? Here Are Some Tips I Learned as a First Time Moderator at WorldCon 76
Nerve-wracking. Empowering. These are the words I would use to describe my experience moderating my first Worldcon panel, What Turns People Onto Horror. So, why these words? Let's start with the "nerve-wracking" bit, which mostly stems from social anxiety and imposter syndrome. I was a speaker on just such a panel, Imposter Syndrome: You DO Deserve To Be Here (which I'll write about in a forthcoming post). Knowing that my insecurities were not going to vanish just because I wanted them to, I set out to make sure I didn't let them get the better of me.
Welcome to my "Worldcon 76" series, where I'll be breaking down my time at the world's longest-running science fiction and fantasy convention.
Nerve-wracking. Empowering.
These are the words I would use to describe my experience moderating my first Worldcon panel, What Turns People Onto Horror. So, why these words? Let's start with the "nerve-wracking" bit, which mostly stems from social anxiety and imposter syndrome. I was a speaker on just such a panel, Imposter Syndrome: You DO Deserve To Be Here (which I'll write about in a forthcoming post). Knowing that my insecurities were not going to vanish just because I wanted them to, I set out to make sure I didn't let them get the better of me. Being the moderator meant that I was in charge of the panel and its success or failure was partly on me. Or so I felt that way. After all, a panel = moderator + speakers.
The following approach worked for me as it removed as many variables as possible from the equation. I also took into account my experiences as a speaker and adapted them to make sure I was as prepared as possible.
From Google images
Have passion for the topic you're moderating or speaking about. This was a key component in finding my strength. Whenever I started to doubt myself, my love of dark literature, cinema, and arts reminded me that I had every right to be there and reach out (or "bother" as my brain tends to reason) to the speakers.
Look up the panelists and hunt down their emails. This step turned out to be very important, as one of the speakers had no idea they were even on the panel!
Decide if you want to introduce the speakers or have them introduce themselves. If the former, make sure to request a brief bio (with a word count limit!) by a set deadline. Ideally, I wanted the information ahead of time so I could put it all in one document, thereby removing a potential unknown. But if no one had gotten back to me, I would have let the speakers introduce themselves. The point was to have a plan and remove variables from the equation.
Email the speakers. Introduce yourself and send them the panel, date, time, and room number, and try to get the discussion going by including questions.
Always ask for pronouns. Always.
Don't assume all the speakers on the panel are familiar with the subject matter of the panel. Panel assignment is not always perfect, and sometimes panelists have no familiarity at all with the subject of their panel! In my experience, some speakers will be straightforward about whether they are knowledgable enough to contribute constructively, but others will drop the bomb only on the day of the panel. Whether that bomb is constructive or destructive only Fortune knows.
Don't get offended if no one responds back to the email. Life happens. That being said, a ping never hurts, especially if you are waiting for information, like a biography or graphics. This is where that deadline comes in handy.
If anxiety tends to memory wipe your short-term brain (sigh), write down everything you want to say, or make an outline. For me this means clearly writing down how I want to structure the panel and planning the questions ahead of time, from the intro all the way to "closing statement: remember to mention X, Y, Z." This is not a crutch, this is me taking anxiety por los cuernos (by the horns).
Practice the questions out loud to get a real feeling for them, and don't be afraid to practice with a friend. And perhaps with some whiskey because, why not.
If you don't know how to pronounce a speaker's name or series, ask. And unless you have an amazing memory, write out their names phonetically for reference. I wish I had done this, but I had hoped that my anxiety would not win since I had asked right before the panel started. Alas, anxiety-induced sieve-brain kicked in. The mispronunciation made for some fun dialogue, but I wish I had gotten all the names right, especially because I get tired of having my own name or series mispronounced.
As a speaker, I really appreciate it when moderators send out an email the day before the panel asking speakers to meet up in person before the panel if they are able. On panels, you can always expect to see the following--no response, rescheduling requests, cancellations, miscommunications, shadows trying to sink into the pores on your skin, Risen chewing at your ankles. Don't take it personally if no one responds or use it as a measure of your worth as a moderator. Life happens. The important thing is to give the speakers the opportunity to meet up in advance if they wish to do so.
Even if you've already "met" via email, don't forget to introduce yourself as the moderator to everyone.
Test your mic and make sure to speak into it. Ahem, yeah that is something I definitely need to keep in mind.
Don't be afraid to lay down ground rules for the panelists. I did this as a way to preempt any one speaker from dominating the panel. The speakers seemed on board with my "rule" and even used it a few times during the discussion. Did it help? Who knows! But I'm glad I put such a rule in place.
Be careful with two-part questions. My opening question was a two-parter which, as you can see in the video, worked best as two separate questions. To be honest, by the time everyone had responded to the first part of the two-part question, I had to play back the panel in my head and ask myself if the second part had already been answered. I'm sure the audience felt the same way.
Allow time for audience comments.
Thank the audience for attending.
Thank the speakers for their time.
Breathe!
And now comes the next part: "Empowering." As I said "thank you" to everyone and packed up my tattered black journal, I felt the nervous energy brewing in me morph into relief. I had successfully moderated my first panel without too many hiccups. Did this experience erase my insecurities? Hahaha, no. But it did show me that by taking steps to manage the triggers that amplify my anxiety and imposter syndrome, I could tame them and come out on top. Every step I took in preparing for this panel was a rung I added to my #buildaladder, including submitting the panel and agreeing to be the moderator. All in all, this seed of strength was a marvelous beginning to Worldcon 76 and one I found myself drawing from as the convention rolled on . . .
Reading + Vending: AUTHOR FEST at San Mateo Public Library
Tomorrow, July 14 from noon-3pm at the San Mateo Public Library marks the third time I will be doing a professional reading as an author. Admission is FREE and there will be a slew of amazing local authors reading and vending as well. I plan to read from my dark fantasy novella To Nurture & Kill …
Tomorrow, July 14 from noon-3pm at the San Mateo Public Library marks the third time I will be doing a professional reading as an author. Admission is FREE and there will be a slew of amazing local authors reading and vending as well.
I plan to read from my dark fantasy novella To Nurture & Kill, though I am still trying to decide which bit to read. I always do the first chapter, but I kinda really want to read from a later section in the book, one where Kira is old enough to verbally interact with Eutau. After all, the novella at its core is about the relationship between these two characters.
"Wandering mercenary Eutau Vidal promised his dying sister that he would care for her child--an infant with dark, dangerous powers. Will Eutau find meaning in the promise he reluctantly made amid the ashes of war, or will he turn his back on the innocent?"
Reading from my works is one of my favorite things as an author. I was sweating bullets the first time, especially since I was sharing a table with some pretty amazing authors: Katherine Kerr and Heather Rose Jones. I was simultaneously fangirling and freaking out.
The second time I did a reading was as a member of the Horror Writers Association, alongside Loren Rhoads. I was thrilled (and fangirling, again) because I got to hear her read from her novel, Lost Angels. Spoiler alert: I really enjoyed Lost Angels.
So, if you are looking for something fun do this Saturday, consider visiting the San Mateo Public Library and enjoy an afternoon of being read to by local authors :)
Hope to see you there!
